who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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