i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
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