At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
