i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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