Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
