She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
