I cockslap morals
dude i'm inner monologue high
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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