dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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