I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
