I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
