WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Barsexuality is the new black.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
