I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize