he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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