I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
