I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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