We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
