I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
