very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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