when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
