I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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