I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
