i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
