Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
