Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
