Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
