Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
