I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
