did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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