you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
