So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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