Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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