update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
