WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
