My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
