Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
