i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
