maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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