turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
