I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
