i will never coherently bang her
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
