did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
