I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
