is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
