I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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