I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
