My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I intend to get homeless drunk
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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