It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
