god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
