you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
