Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize