I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
