there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
