You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
