wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
