I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
50% drunk capacity currently
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
